By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
pray to the hookup gods
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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