Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
