peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
