I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
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He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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