I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
