i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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