I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.