Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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