I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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