I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
