Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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