My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
3 2 1 whiskey
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
