Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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