She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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