remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
