I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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