Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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