Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
