I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
