I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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