things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
