WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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