Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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