Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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