I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
