I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
