There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
