my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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