Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
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