i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
