yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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