i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
