a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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