no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
