i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
