now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.