Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
