If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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