I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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