the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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