party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
