I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
