i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How's work?
Spinning.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
