T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
