i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
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its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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