But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
