I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
