alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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