tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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