we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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