i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I should be sponsored by Trojan
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
