Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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