I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?