Your face is a jimmy john
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
