He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
this is an emotional support booty call
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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