So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
