masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
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She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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