In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
