Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
