i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
