oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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