I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I looked at my own cervix.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
